long gone baby

i saw him and didn't shed a tear. he fell to pieces, crying, wanting to talk about things. is it wrong that i felt good watching him break down? part of me thinks it was fake and that he isn't really upset or bothered and that he just did that to see if it would have an effect on me.

regardless, seeing him made me feel strong and better off. it makes everything i whine about with bills, debt, living back with my parents, back in an area i hate, it makes all those little things worth it. im at peace with my decision and with what happened.

the only thing i feel at times is anger. i get angry because i wasted an entire year. i get angry because i had to start things over, and had i not left i wouldnt be going back through this initial process. i get angry because i defended him and abtually believed he was a good person. i get angry because i blamed myself for so long. i get angry because the new people i hang around think i have the perfect life, and i get frustrated and sometimes want to scream 'ive been to hell and back shut up about me being the stereotypical pretty-face-cheerleader.' i get angry because i dont think he will ever understand what he did and that it was wrong, and i know he will never truly be sorry.

i pray he finds himself and comes to God for forgivness. i pray that God can heal his twisted mind and forgive him, because im not a good enough person to forgive him yet. i pray for the strength and peace to one day forgive him, but until then, God is the only one with enough grace and enough love in His heart to accept a person like that.

ew, i remember locking myself and my puppy in the bathroom, but he broke the door and removed all of the doorknobs. my puppy would bow her head and crawl to me when we argued. :( she even tried to lick a cut i had from him... my baby girl... her & i are safe now.. and were doing alright.

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this.

you really never know

i'm getting better at this. i can talk about it to those who know. but its still hard to swallow.

im great at not thinking about him but i hate the Internet. its impossible to completely ignore anyone.. he is slowly becoming friends with mutual online friends so i can see when he talks to them.. my favorite is when he comments on a picture or some conversation and get on his ' at least im mature and i dont run away from good things to be young and social'.. what a hypocrite. all he ever comments is 'blue moon' and other stuff about these drinks and whatever but says im being immature..

i dont even make sense.

anyone is entitled to talk to anyone, thats not what bothers me. i just hope he doesnt have intentions on ever having me in his life again. i really think he is so twisted and doesnt even think of the real reasons i left him.

he more than likely thinks i left because i want to party and i want friends..

i left for my life, i left for my safety, for my own well being. i left because i want to be happy with myself and i want to live a healthy life, whether im in a relationship or not i want peace with myself and with my life.

i left because i was going insane.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..

i got out

i didnt plan it, i wish i could have because my life is still a wreck from it.

we met for lunch because he was going to fix my car, as we drove to take me back to work we started arguing.. i told him i was done, i had it. he told me i would never leave, he said ' you need me, youre nothing without me.. what are you going to do? go run back to mommy & daddy??'

it all happened so fast. he blew my phone up, i had my boss take me back to my apartment, we grabbed as much as possible and met up with my one friend down there. her and i hid out at her house while my dad drove down with the truck & trailer to get me and my things. we called her friend who was a police officer to just let him know what was going on in case things got out of hand.

he was begging me to come by. when he finally realized i was really leaving his excuse was he wanted closure, he wanted to spend time with me before my dad got here.

i didnt go, i feared for my life. and i knew if i saw him, he would convince me to not leave. he would say and do anything and everything, he would think of every option or possibility to fix things. he was talking crazy, offering to pay more to do more, to drive more, to do all the things i had been telling him to do.

it was too late, he should have realized it before, how could he have not known?? idiot. i told him and told him.. all he ever said was that i was unhappy and miserable and that made him miserable.. why would he want to be good to an unhappy person? HELLO?!? he was the reason i was unhappy.. he would constantly tell me..

"if you would just smile more.. things would be better.."

how can i smile when i sacrificed everything i had ever known or had for someone who could look himself in the mirror every day knowing he isn't afraid to toss his girlfriend around.

wasted.

the rest, in short

i was eager to move to Carolina with him... he swore things would be different, things would be better.

i remember visiting a few weeks before the big move. he was still living in an apartment with a friend of his and they had people over drinking & carrying on. we began to argue about something stupid im sure, so we went into his bedroom so we didnt yell or embarass ourselves in front of our friends... one thing lead to another and im sure i was trying to leave, thats always how it happened.. we truely beat the hell out of each other.

he was so good with words and so manipulative. despite the wrestling match, i still moved. i remember the day before i left, i had already gone down the weekend before with my parents to move all of my things, i just had to come back home to cheer at a game and then i would drive myself and the little things i had left by myself. i knew it wasn't going to work, i knew something bad was going to happen. everyone warned me, told me not to feel like failure if i ever wanted or needed to come back home.

so i moved, and i got a job working from home. thats mistake 1. we would argue and he would take my car, his car keys and i would be stuck in the apartment all day. sometimes without food.. at one point he took my cell phone, took the internet chord, took my work phone.. he took everything from me, literally. i felt like a child on restriction. he would come home from work and i would be anxious for any excuse to get out but he would be tired, or not want to go out. we were young and i felt we needed to be social and get out and party. his excuse was we had real obligations and were mature, we didnt have mommy and daddy to help us so we couldnt go out and do the things everyone else was doing.

i found a dance class i wanted to go to... i only made it to 2 classes, he would take my car to work and then coincidently run late and make me late for the class. or he would lie and say to not go cause he wanted to take me to dinner, that never happened. we ended up hanging out with his POS father, ridiculous.

in most cases we would argue, i would go to walk out, walk away, walk anywhere. he would grab my arm or push me.. and i would freak! we'd swing, slap, pull, throw..i slept on the couch, i slept in my car, he took the door knobs off so i couldnt lock my self in the bathroom. he was always there, i could never walk away to think or to clear my mind, he knew if i came back to sanity i would realize what was going on.

i begged and screamed and begged... why are we like this? why are you doing this to me? why are we beating the f**k out of each other? this isnt right..

he had me pinned down, laying in between my legs, covering my mouth, telling me how worthless i was...

what happened

i dont even know where to start.

its true, you cant always tell what someone has been through just by looking at them. if you were to look at me 4 years ago you might not have liked me, or you might have been one of my closest friends. more then likely, you would have been a social acquaintance that kept the conversations short with me and then said judgemental stereotypical things behind my back, its high school, who doesnt?

i was 'the' cheerleader, involved in anything and everything having to do with school and community spirit. from plays to student council, from memorial societys to senior citizen aid. i did it all. i gave speeches against drunk driving, but had the police call my parents to pick me up at 3:00AM. i snuck out, snuck boys in, but then went to school writing papers on abstinence and the terrors of drug addiction.

i had decent grades, went to every wrestling tournament, baseball game and was varsity mvp for cheerleading... then, i met him

at first, we were 'it'.. he played football, i cheered, he was cute, i was gorgeous, whats not to love? class together forever, our picture in the yearbook, everyone was more than likely disgusted at how 'in love' we were. we gave each other promise rings, walked from each class together, rode together, we were inseparable.

the first time it happened was in the middle of a school day. he didnt drive so i escorted him everywhere. i only took 3 classes, he took 4 so i would always wait for him to get out. on half days tho, the schedule was awkward so he had 3 classes, a lunch, then his last class. we left for lunch and argued on the way back to school.... come to think of it, he never cleaned up the mess he made in my car. i was driving, that didnt stop him tho.

i could have dropped him off, but i was scared. scared of what he would do if he walked out of school and i wasnt there, so i waited for him. he acted normal, as if the burger wasnt spread across my dash board and my cheek wasn't cut and bruising.

i lost everything, i gave up on scholarships, gave up on the idea of going away to college, gave up on friends and parties, i spent my entire senior year at his house taking care of his ill grandmother... she wasn't even his true-blood grandmother.

graduation day was the worst day of my life.

him and i walked out together, and we saw his family first, i stood there and took pictures of them and listened to them talk and laugh. what about my family? my pictures? my stories and laughter? finally i walked to find my family. i turned to smile at my mother holding the camera and had to face the group of 15 kids who i used to call friends as they laughed and gathered for a large group picture. i will never forget the tears and the knot in my stomach as i watched them pose for a picture that i wouldnt be a part of.

to say the least, his grandmother passed in the fall, he had to move to Florida and we broke up. it took a week of him being gone for me to realize that i had spent every waking moment with him.. now that he was gone i had all of this free time to go and do as i pleased. of course he didnt like that idea, so the emotions went wild,. from i love you, i miss you, i need you, i hate you, your fake, your terrible, i hope you die, i want you back.

in those 6 months i partied, went to clubs, dated guys, drank, smoked, spent money, did anything i could get my hands into... some days i reached out to him, my emotions ranged from i hate him, i miss him, i love him, i never want to see him. i was at a confusing part in my life.

for whatever reason, i started talking to him again in the summer. i went to visit him and before i could even get out of the state i got a speeding ticket, then when i was there we got into an accident and i had to tell my parents that i had lied and was in Carolina to see him. red flag, red flag, red flag. i should have seen this coming.

December 28 2007 i moved to Carolina to be with him.

stay tuned, i will finish this later when im ready to put it into words.

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

first entry

i guess i am starting this because the opportunity to express my feelings and thoughts anonymously absolutely thrills me.

i need this.

there is a big part of my life that i dont talk to anyone about. i think thats mainly because its hard for me to even swallow it myself. 3 months later, after freeing myself, i still think, i really went through that?

i dont know if i will ever get over this... i hope i do, and i hope it happens soon.