what happened

i dont even know where to start.

its true, you cant always tell what someone has been through just by looking at them. if you were to look at me 4 years ago you might not have liked me, or you might have been one of my closest friends. more then likely, you would have been a social acquaintance that kept the conversations short with me and then said judgemental stereotypical things behind my back, its high school, who doesnt?

i was 'the' cheerleader, involved in anything and everything having to do with school and community spirit. from plays to student council, from memorial societys to senior citizen aid. i did it all. i gave speeches against drunk driving, but had the police call my parents to pick me up at 3:00AM. i snuck out, snuck boys in, but then went to school writing papers on abstinence and the terrors of drug addiction.

i had decent grades, went to every wrestling tournament, baseball game and was varsity mvp for cheerleading... then, i met him

at first, we were 'it'.. he played football, i cheered, he was cute, i was gorgeous, whats not to love? class together forever, our picture in the yearbook, everyone was more than likely disgusted at how 'in love' we were. we gave each other promise rings, walked from each class together, rode together, we were inseparable.

the first time it happened was in the middle of a school day. he didnt drive so i escorted him everywhere. i only took 3 classes, he took 4 so i would always wait for him to get out. on half days tho, the schedule was awkward so he had 3 classes, a lunch, then his last class. we left for lunch and argued on the way back to school.... come to think of it, he never cleaned up the mess he made in my car. i was driving, that didnt stop him tho.

i could have dropped him off, but i was scared. scared of what he would do if he walked out of school and i wasnt there, so i waited for him. he acted normal, as if the burger wasnt spread across my dash board and my cheek wasn't cut and bruising.

i lost everything, i gave up on scholarships, gave up on the idea of going away to college, gave up on friends and parties, i spent my entire senior year at his house taking care of his ill grandmother... she wasn't even his true-blood grandmother.

graduation day was the worst day of my life.

him and i walked out together, and we saw his family first, i stood there and took pictures of them and listened to them talk and laugh. what about my family? my pictures? my stories and laughter? finally i walked to find my family. i turned to smile at my mother holding the camera and had to face the group of 15 kids who i used to call friends as they laughed and gathered for a large group picture. i will never forget the tears and the knot in my stomach as i watched them pose for a picture that i wouldnt be a part of.

to say the least, his grandmother passed in the fall, he had to move to Florida and we broke up. it took a week of him being gone for me to realize that i had spent every waking moment with him.. now that he was gone i had all of this free time to go and do as i pleased. of course he didnt like that idea, so the emotions went wild,. from i love you, i miss you, i need you, i hate you, your fake, your terrible, i hope you die, i want you back.

in those 6 months i partied, went to clubs, dated guys, drank, smoked, spent money, did anything i could get my hands into... some days i reached out to him, my emotions ranged from i hate him, i miss him, i love him, i never want to see him. i was at a confusing part in my life.

for whatever reason, i started talking to him again in the summer. i went to visit him and before i could even get out of the state i got a speeding ticket, then when i was there we got into an accident and i had to tell my parents that i had lied and was in Carolina to see him. red flag, red flag, red flag. i should have seen this coming.

December 28 2007 i moved to Carolina to be with him.

stay tuned, i will finish this later when im ready to put it into words.

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy